I transcribed the awesome “Meet the Press” GOP debate from this morning

David Gregory’s obsession with political smack talking, over policy or current events, has turned “Meet the Press” into an unwatchable heap of steaming crappola.

His first question is to Newt: “Why don’t you like Mitt?”

Newt gets to call Mitt Romney a “timid Massachusetts moderate.” Alliteration. That one will catch on.

So, do you hate him though?

Newt: “He’s slimy and he sucks.”

Mitt?

“Oh, well, I’m a Conservative. Conservative. Conservative. Conservative and conservative. Obama has no experience. I’m a leader,” says Mitt.

Santorum, why do you hate Mitt?

“If he were such a hot little petuttie, he’d have run again for governor. I run in lots of elections, and I am a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. Conservative.”

Mitt?

“Only assholes keep running for office, Jim. I’m the best choice to lead the United States’s government because I totally hate it.”

Santorum, interrupting: “So, you won’t run for reelection?”

Mitt: “Politicians suck!”

Gingrich: “Stop talking so long. The red light went off. You’ve been running for a decade, Mitt. You keep losing because you’re a huge, stupid loser.”

Gingrich slam. Mitt’s acute-triangle-smile mouth glistens under those hot, hot lights. The teeth are being crushed together. He gives a little speech about Conservatism.

Gregory accidentally asks Ron Paul if he’s Conservative enough. Ron Paul says the questions so far have been “super superficial.” They should be talking about issues, like the American empire occupying all those bases overseas.

Whoops. Gregory turns to Perry and asks him why he hates Romney. Perry’s answer includes several references to the Tea Party.

Gregory moves on. To Mitt: “Conservative conservative?”

Mitt: “Conservative, Jim. Deep down in my bones.”

Now that everyone’s been properly fluffed…. Huntsman! Where? Is? Snow? White?

“Far away from you,” Huntsman says, “and safe.”

What would you cut?

“Whatever. Look, Mitt was a jerk the other night. He said I shouldn’t have been an ambassador to China for Obama. But all Mitt does is raise money.”

Mitt: “Well, Obama’s evil.”

Huntsman: “This country is divided by attitudes like that.”

Actual quote. The audience applauds for the first time. Wtf? Did the bullshit facade just drop away for a moment? And did people actually applaud that?

Gregory’s earpiece shoots a small shock directly to his brain through the ear cavity. Somewhere, a button has been pushed. His corporate masters did not like what was just said.

Gregory: “Ow. Uh, name three things you’ll cut that will make people mad.”

Huntsman says defense. Santorum says Social Security and food stamps, the “dependence programs.” That seems really mean.

Newt can get people to pitch more into Medicare, without cutting any of their Medicare. What?

Perry: “Americans who work for the government have no dignity.”

What about cops and teachers? Aren’t they paid for with taxes? You wanna cut their salaries? David Gregory does not ask such questions.

Commercials. Redundant. Get it…? Because all these guys are soulless shills…?

Monkey actor

Santorum thinks seniors should be free from oppressive Medicare.

Gregory asks Mitt whommmmmmmm he likes better, Grover Norquist or Warren Buffet?

“No new taxes,” Mitt replies through his grin. “I’ll cut tons of programs.”

Which ones?

“Obamacare.” Mitt puts his arms up and cocks his head a bit to the side. “Boom. Ninety bil right there.”

Just kidding. Gregory didn’t ask Mitt which ones.

Newt’s tired of partisan games. He wants to push the bickering aside and get some stuff done.

Gregory’s earpiece: “Bzzt.”

Gregory: “Ow. Uh. Since we’re in that mid-debate lull, how about you guys talk about actually getting some things accomplished to fix some problems.”

They do.

If Ron Paul can’t get any bills passed in Congress, he must be a lousy politician. Gregory’s theory has some merit.

Paul, however, points out that Congress is totally inept and doesn’t actually pass bills to help normal Americans. Gregory is confused.

Santorum squirts frothy, lubey fecal matter onto Paul. Jesus, dude. That is amazing disgusting. Even for you, bro, that is nasty.

“This is a bunch of spin!” hollars the Huntsman.

Zzzt.

Gregory: “Ow.”

“Bring term limits to Congress,” says the Huntsman. He talks for about 10 more seconds before Gregory cuts him off and asks a really, really, truly, just incredibly stupid question of Perry.

Perry: “I am mad, crazy Conservative.”

Commercial.

Whoa. A newspaper reporter and a TV reporter are here to ask questions now.

Newspaper reporter: “Obama cut a program that helps poor people heat their houses. Lord Huntsman, would’st thou bring that program back?”

The Huntsman tears off into a rehearsed speech about energy. Says “diverse” a bunch of times.

Ron Paul talks about energy in terms of where the money goes.

Gregory steps in to ask “In this age of austerity, what do Americans have to learn to have less of?”

God damn, man. Why are you so mean? Is it because every single week you squander the opportunity to contribute in any constructive way to the national dialogue during a time of incredible historical significance? Ahsuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…..

TV reporter: “Yo, Mitty. You once said you like gay people. What’ve you done for them?”

Mitt: “Loads.”

Oh, no. He did not. TV reporter just shot the same question to the group’s most enthusiastic hater of the gays. Santorum says he’s sick of the words “A frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” coming up whenever people Google him. That gay bastard Dan Savage set that up after Santorum gaybashed huge. Santorum swears revenge. Everyone uses Google.

Perry is not anti-union; he’s pro-job.

Of all the actor monkeys whooping and scratching at their armpits before us, Perry would elicit the most funny Saturday Night Live sketches. By far.

What? Will Ferrell isn’t on that show anymore? I know that. What? I don’t know. They probably have someone who could play Perry pretty funny. Will Ferrell was such an awesome Bush.

Newt is the one I would most want to get drunk with. But why?

Mitt’s going on and on about how horrible Obama is. He’s “anti-job,” that Obama.

The god-damned newspaper reporter is putting a very concise question to Mitt Romney about regulating air pollution.

Mitt: “Blah, blah, blah, and there’s all kinds of natural gas we could use.”

Newt’s bashing the EPA. Didn’t America just pull out of a brutal, decade-long war against Iraq? And hasn’t that country experienced an epidemic of atrocious violence since we left?

Huntsman! For the last time… Where is Snow White?

Huntsman: “Beyond even the reach of your magic, Gregory.”

We’re over an hour into this, and nary a peep about the Middle friggin’ East.

Perry says Obama is a socialist. Makes sense, I guess, since Perry probably won’t get a chance to talk again.

TV reporter asks one of the guys what the New Hampshire motto “Live free or die” means to him. You broke my heart, Fredo.

Santorum has said so many times that he wants to go to war with Iran. Ask him whether it’s smart to keep saying you want to attack another country.

Gregory: “Santorum! What do you want to do to Iran?”

Santorum’s thin lips tighten and his eyes narrow: “War.”

I don’t know…. They’re saying some other stuff that isn’t about Iraq or teachers’ salaries. My growler of IPA is cashed. This isn’t funny to me right now – it’s mean and sad.

You were lied to. That debate wasn’t awesome at all.

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