1990 Phil’s Happiness Gets Anally Raped by Michael Bay

That’s me, showing off my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, including April O’Neil in the back row all the way to the left. I’m wearing a Ninja Turles T-shirt and there are two Ninja Turtles posters tacked to the wall there. The look on my face is one of perfect innocence, born from the joy of being 10 and obsessed with mutant, ninja turtles who eat pizza.

I knew then, somehow, that the future held dark, hopeless misery in store. And so I spent every waking moment with my Ninja Turtles. Those action figures’ adventures on my bedroom carpet were epic tales, so awesome they would melt your face.

I crafted my own bold stories, usually crossover rescue missions with the Transformers, the Thundercats, and my neighbor’s G.I. Joes. There was mystery, romance, and action so meticulously choreographed it makes the car chase in “Matrix 2” look like Teletubbies crawling to their babas.

One thing I never, ever considered, in all those hard-core play sessions, was changing the origin story. The four Ninja Turtles – Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Rafael – were once normal baby turtles in the sewer. They stumbled upon some radioactive slime, dumped down the drain by a job-creating polluter. A very old rat was there too. The ooze gave them all superpowers. The rat – Master Splinter – taught ninja skills to the turtles, and each turtle is the master of a different martial-arts weapon. Splinter continues teaching the turtles to this day.

It was indisputable that this was how the Ninja Turtles came to be.

Then came a force of such power it could alter the very course of history. I speak, of course, of “Transformers” director Michael Bay. From Entertainment Weekly:

At the annual Nickelodeon upfront presentation last week, über-producer Michael Bay revealed details for Platinum Dunes’ upcoming live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, including a new origin story for the half-shell heroes that is sure to raise the ire of diehard fans.

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe one day these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie,” said Bay as he took the stage to discuss his new vision for the reptilian reboot. “These turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely loveable.”

Kids will believe the turtles do exist? Michael Bay means, hopefully, that the special effects will be so seamless it won’t look like computer-graphics turtles or guys in costumes. (The mouths on those costumes in the original movies were controlled by someone off-camera on a joystick, and it looked like it.)

But wait…. They’re aliens? Aliens?! No, they’re not. Is there a whole planet of ninja turtles? If that’s so, it makes these four decidedly less unique. (I am not sure something can be “less unique.”)

These tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable new Ninja Turtles bring disgrace to my hallowed church. Turncloaks! I’m not the only one who’s furious over this to the point of spitting. This is from the Facebook page of Robbie Rist, who did the voice of Michelangelo in the first movie:

Dear Michael Bay.

You probably don’t know me but I did some voice work on the first set of movies that you are starting to talk about sodomizing.

Look man, I think you have some pretty nifty action ideas (of course on the other side, the minute ANYONE in your movies starts using actual dialog I seem to catch myself nodding off), but seriously, Teenage ALIEN Ninja Turtles?

I know believing in mutated talking turtles is kinda silly to begin with but am I supposed to be led to believe there are ninjas from another planet?

You know that ninjas are a certain kind of cultural charact….

Oh what the hell am I talking to you for?

The rape of our childhood memories continues…..

Michael Bay means to sodomize the first set of movies. That would include “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtes 2: The Secret of the Ooze,” which ends with the turtles dancing and fighting monsters at a live Vanilla Ice concert.

How dare you, Michael Bay. Sodomite!

(Just kidding. I f*cking love Michael Bay. I wrote a gigantic article about how much I love Michael Bay when I was working at the Journal. He can say the Ninja Turtles are girls, for all I care.)

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