Which terrifying subgroup from the “army of nightmare creatures” in “Cabin in the Woods” would be scariest to face? (And which would make the best fantasy football team name?)
Let’s see. There’s….
Werewolf, Alien Beast, Mutants, Wraiths, Zombies, Reptilius, Clowns, Witches, Sexy Witches, Demons, Hell Lord, Angry Molesting Tree, Giant Snake, Deadites, Kevin, Mummy, The Bride, Scarecrow Folk, Snowman, Dragonbat, Vampires, Dismemberment Goblins, Sugarplum Fairy, Merman, the Reanimated, Unicorn, the Huron, Sasquatch/Wendigo/Yeti, Dolls, the Doctors, Zombie Redneck Torture Family, Jack O’ Lantern, Giants and Twins.
Confused about the difference between Zombies and Zombie Redneck Torture Family? So was the Chem Department, which puts its money on Zombies but loses when Dana reads the Latin in Anna Patience Buckner’s sickening diary, thereby raising the pain-worshiping Buckner family. Sitterson explains: “Yes, you had ‘Zombies.’ But this is ‘Zombie Redneck Torture Family.’ Entirely separate thing. It’s like the difference between an elephant and an elephant seal.”
Kevin. Just seeing the name on that big white board sends a shiver down my spine.
The Buckners were an unlucky choice by the film’s youthful victims, but I would rather take them on than Hell Lord. He stands silently, holding a weird ball that probably unlocks the portal to hell. Obviously no one wants to meet a dragonbat or werewolf, but those will rip you apart quick, so you’re dead almost as soon as you meet them. The problem with the Buckners and the Hell Lord is they want to watch you suffer first. One of the lab techs is seen, very briefly, hanging upside down in chains while Hell Lord slowly stalks the space around him. Forget that.
(Then again, the Doctors will dissect you alive. And a demon is seen swinging a commando with severed legs around in a blood-spraying circle, before flinging the poor sucker, screaming, across an entire room. There’s really no right choice here.)
“Cabin in the Woods” is such a cool, funny, weird, scary, awesome movie. It’s the Flip Side’s favorite flick so far this year – a crazy-entertaining, cultish nerd fest that deserves to be a huge hit on DVD. (Written and directed, it should be noted, by Los Alamos High School alum Drew Goddard. Go Hilltoppers!)
Angry Molester Tree makes an appearance. So do the Sugarplum Fairy and a laughing, bullet-proof clown. The Unicorn tallies a brutal kill. And Merman? This one must not be ruined for potential viewers. Just know that “Cabin in the Woods” is fun for anyone who likes movies, in general, and not just horror fans. It’s a new classic. And the ending is the best part.