Bald Badasses Fight to the Death

Jason Statham growls “Civilized people need to follow rules, and these are mine.” Clown with an uzi bursts through the floor grate! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Statham, disguised as a priest, is with his armed gang, robbing a big bank. “I don’t steal from people who can’t afford it, and I don’t hurt people that don’t deserve it. So relax.”

So begins the best thing in theaters right now, the trailer for “Parker.” It comes out in January.

The clown is Michael Chiklis. Anyone who watched “The Shield” rightly worships Chiklis as a god. Chiklis growls “Gotta say, Parker, you came as advertised. But I’m gonna need the whole score for this next thing.” A double cross. Statham growls “We had a deal.” “If you were me, what would you do with a guy like you?” They’re in a car; Bunk from “The Wire” is driving. The doors lock and everyone grabs a gun.

“I’d kill him while I had the chance.” Punch! Elbow! Urgh! Screeeeeeeech! Blam! Blam! Blam!

Statham dives through a blown-open window and hits the street rolling. Doesn’t matter. “Do it!” Chiklis yells at his henchman, who shoots Statham’s head and kicks him down a ditch. “Most importantly, if you say you’ll do something and you don’t, I’ll make sure you regret it.” Statham’s in a hospital bed, opening his eyes.

Like the Count of Monte Cristo, Parker changes his identity so he can get close to Chiklis and extract sweet revenge. He teams up with Jennifer Lopez. “Take off your clothes,” he tells her. “I have to know if you’re wearing a wire.” She obliges. She’s wearing black undergarments. Statham watches from a comfy chair. He gets up and goes in for a closer look.

“I’m gonna put things right,” Statham growls. “Who the hell are you?” a banker sitting in suspenders behind his desk asks Statham. “Parker,” Statham growls as he raises up a gun. Explosion! Kick! Chiklis freaks out and kills one of his goons. “Parker’s dead!”

Diamonds. Tons of diamonds. The score of a lifetime. Statham’s turncoat former gang is gonna steal them, and then he and JLo are gonna steal the diamonds from them.



Fire! Bone crunch! Punch! Punch! Throat chop! Shower makeout! Explosion!

“How do you sleep at night?” JLo asks Statham moments after he’s plummeted over a high-rise balcony clutching the collar of one of the traitors.

“I don’t drink coffee after 7.”

The hope here is that Chiklis gets a few really good hits in before Statham kills him horribly.


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