LEBRON II: Alien vs. Predator [Cancelled]

A single Alien cannot beat Predator in a straight-up fight. The disparity in killing power is too great. The reason Aliens are dangerous, the reason Ripley was always so afraid of corporations smuggling an Alien onto Earth, was the potential for it to multiply into more Aliens. She could kill one Alien in her underwear, literally,* but a horde of Aliens might be unstoppable. A horde of Aliens might even take Predator down, in spite of his strength and weapons.

Kevin Durant looks and plays like an Alien:


LeBron James looks and plays like Predator:


Alien cannot beat Predator by himself, nor can Durant beat LeBron by himself. But it’s a fun battle to watch, and we don’t get to see it now because the Memphis Grizzlies are about to knock Durant’s Oklahoma City Thunder out of the playoffs.

The Thunder were an Alien horde, though, until crazy point guard Russell Westbrook got knocked out of the playoffs with a blown-out knee, suffered when a player on the Rockets lunged a shoulder at his legs as he was calling timeout. Patrick Beverly’s dirty dive into Westbrook’s knee cost us “Aliens vs. Predator” in the NBA Finals.


LeBron’s been looking a little different lately….

He’s not so much Predator….



That’s right. Just like you nightmared.

Oh you don’t think Russell Westrbook’s an alien? Just look at him:


And it really was a horde. The Thunder have this other guy named Serge Ibaka, who’s seven feet tall and also a freak alien. This is him:


But Ibaka is lame. He sucks without Westbrook. Durant is still insane, but, again, not good enough on his own.

It’s funny, a friend of mine was saying the other day that “Memphis Grizzlies” is a stupid name, because there aren’t any Grizzlies in Memphis. There aren’t any Wizards in Washington D.C., either, but whatever. The Grizzlies actually play like huge grizzly bears. They’re thick and scruffy and they use their big butts to post up by the rim and rebound hard.


MarcGasol_InsideOnly1   RAAAAHHHR!!!!!  zach-randolph-526-2-042911

It turns out a gang of Grizzlies can take out a single scary acid-for-blood Alien. Which is interesting, ethologically speaking.

It’s still fun watching Predator hunt down and brutally destroy grizzlies (obviously), but not as much fun as when Predator fights Aliens. Oh well. And if Dwyane Wade can get himself healthy it’s like the Heat have two Predators, and that’ll be a bloodbath.

Not gonna happen.

Not gonna happen.

* Wait. Ripley is wearing Ripley’s underwear, not the Alien.


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