Yahoo had this to say about my fantasy football team after our draft: “They’re projected to finish 12th in Burque League with a record of 0-13-0.” Jackpot.
The fantasy football prognosticators are wrong because of chaos theory. Matthew Berry watched “Jurassic Park” and paid no attention to Ian Malcolm’s warning about why cloned dinosaurs would definitely mate and escape their electrified paddocks. The fact Berry thinks he knows what’s going to happen proves he doesn’t know anything.
You know how many variables contribute to the outcome of an NFL football game? X to the Nth. Over 100 players and dozens of coaches. Schemes. Deception. Speed and ferocity. Drugs. Weather. Equipment. Turf. The past is no indicator of the future, and that’s why Matthew Berry, ESPN’s fantasy guru, has no idea what’s gonna happen.
My team, Mingo Fuck Yerself*, took Megatron with its first pick—4th overall. Berry wrote a huge article about why you should NOT pick Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson (that’s Megatron’s given name) in the first round. That was all I needed.
Two years ago, Berry wrote that Eagles quarterback and recovering dog fighter Michael Vick “is not only worth a first-round pick . . . but should be the No. 1 pick overall.”
If you listened to that advice you probably lost your league. It was worse than bad advice; it was disastrous. He still keeps apologizing for it. Smug websites (takes one to know them) have reported Berry’s accuracy rate runs in the mid-40s, so he’s right less than half the time.
Berry’s written a book about fantasy football and he’s guest starred on “The League” and he sucks at this. Everyone sucks at this, because, again, if you are trying to predict football statistics then you don’t understand chaos.
This is why Megatron is the premier starter for Mingo Fuck Yerself. He’s my favorite NFL player. He looks and plays like a robot from the future. Why not invest in his production? I love watching him anyway, and if he plays amazing this season it’ll be 50 times more fun.
I’m also pumped to root 50 times as hard for Robert Griffin III, quarterback on the Redskins. Last season, RG3 injured his knee and the Redskins coach sadistically risked the young (rookie) quarterback’s career in a fit of playoff-game desperation. I’m feeling less optimistic about him.
But how I feel is meaningless. Optimism? This is NFL chaos. No one knows what’s gonna happen, and the guys who think they do are the most wrong of all.
I won’t be going 0-13. That can’t happen twice to the same guy. I know it.
* I got Cleveland’s defense, baby! A sick D-line and the best corner in the NFL! Let’s not talk about the quarterback. The Flip Side has already gone there.