Fantasy Football: What the Hell Did I Do?

Seven NFL seasons ago, my fantasy team Pee Hole Fisters went winless. My only victory was in the consolation bracket of the playoffs. Friends say that doesn’t count, because the consolation bracket is flushed piss. Consolation-bracket rosters rarely get managed.

The embarrassing 0-fer was compounded by my job that year. I was copy chief of the sports section at The Albuquerque Tribune, a bastion of creativity and aggressive journalism much missed in New Mexico. (The Tribune, an afternoon daily, closed in February 2008. Tough time.) I would work every day with designers and photo editors to make a sports section, but on the side I wrote features, blogs, movie reviews, and a fantasy football column.

So I wrote a weekly fantasy football advice column the same season my team went 0-13. I can’t find any of those old clips, or I’d pick the most humiliating one and paste it here. I did find this critique of a fantasy draft blog I wrote during my Trib days. I agree that I am “criminally unfunny”—the team was called “Pee Hole Fister,” after all.

As mentioned here before, Yahoo judged my draft this year as our league’s worst. It projected me to go 0-13. I thought that unlikely until the first games started. My No. 2 tight end Zack Sudfeld, in the flex spot (that’s right), had zero catches for zero points. Starting running back Giovani Bernard managed 30 yards for the Bengals. My No. 1 overall pick, Calvin Johnson, had a touchdown waived off and scored 3.7 fantasy points.

Matthew Berry told me not to take Megatron! So what if he’s wrong more times than he’s right? At least you’re following something if you follow Matthew Berry. Hubris annihilates empires; of course it can destroy a fantasy season. Who am I? A Santa Fe goofball. I have no business ignoring the sage advice of professionals.

I drew a cartoon depicting my fantasy opponent as a crying baby. Hubris! Now I need RG3 to score 10 touchdowns on Monday Night Football.

In non-fantasy-football-related news, Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden threw three interceptions and lost a fumble against the Miami Dolphins. The Browns’ improved defense played fantastic for a while, but then it got unpleasant to work so hard only to see their quarterback come in and hand the ball right back to the other team.

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Weeden makes football miserable for his teammates. And fans. This isn’t entirely his fault, though. Even he probably thought it was crazy for the Browns to draft him over Russell Wilson. Even he probably thought it was crazy to throw 53 times and hand the ball to their opponent-punishing running back Trent Richardson 13 times. 53 throws, 13 runs.

Uhg. Fuck football. Two 0-13 seasons would be pretty amazing.

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